Ough...
Oh, If I could just take the time and read what I've been writing before I post it!
When you get confused of what I mean I meant; I'm contemplating about closing down this blog and open up a new one without password. Better access for all my friends! Or, maybe, a blog wasn't my thing. Somehow a blog is very supreficial....
I'd love to hear what you all think!!
When you get confused of what I mean I meant; I'm contemplating about closing down this blog and open up a new one without password. Better access for all my friends! Or, maybe, a blog wasn't my thing. Somehow a blog is very supreficial....
I'd love to hear what you all think!!
Long time...
Dear friends, I just wrote a looong entry but anaged to push a wrong button and it wll disapaired!! What the h*ll!!!
I was writing a bit about the last few days and about the sooo many of my readers has stopped popping buy my blog since I put a password on it. I'm contemplating the idea of closing down this blogg and closing down this. That wuold meen a new address, an address that the once who interfears with my blog wont find their way there.....
My blog, as I've said before, has lost it's purpose when people can't pop in when they roam arount the web, KT:ers around the world can fins me and friends and family cross the globe can read about my everyday life.
Friends, what do you think?! What would you have done?! Would you still read if I continued to write?!?
Today is a good day. It's three days since my last chemo injection and I'm now feeling a bitt better, the side effects from this injection is weraring of and I got some of my appetite back.
So, I'll try to enjoy this weekend and embrace the fact that I feel okey. It's still difficult mentaly to be in the situation that I am. Well, one step at the time! I'll fight this!
I have planed for weeks and weeks to go and see the last of the eight Harry Potter films- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (part 2). Yesterday it was finaly time! I find it very difficult to go to the movies as it's hard to sit for very long and there's not very much room between the rows in a cinema. But here in Ängelholm they have a row with aboout 3-4 meters infront, where I can sit perfectly with my KT-leg. Thouh, it was difficult anywhy this time because it was a 2h film and I usually don't sit for that long.....
The film was great! A bit to dark at times and a bit to much fighting for my tast, but great!
Before we went to the movies mum helped me with some domestic things that I can't do yself. I sooo wish I could. It's not that fun to have your mum doing things for you when you're an adult. But stil, I'm greatful!
Mum went home a few hours ago and Louis and I, we are now of on a little walk befor ethe sky opens up again and rain starts poooouring down!!! Where the h'll is the sun?! They say it will be sunny tomorrow, but I have to do my laundry then.
Now I'm low on batery in my computer so nee dto log of!
I would be greateful for your toughts about the blog because if noone reads I might as weel think about changing forum. A new blog might be the best idéa anyway!!
Love you all!
I was writing a bit about the last few days and about the sooo many of my readers has stopped popping buy my blog since I put a password on it. I'm contemplating the idea of closing down this blogg and closing down this. That wuold meen a new address, an address that the once who interfears with my blog wont find their way there.....
My blog, as I've said before, has lost it's purpose when people can't pop in when they roam arount the web, KT:ers around the world can fins me and friends and family cross the globe can read about my everyday life.
Friends, what do you think?! What would you have done?! Would you still read if I continued to write?!?
Today is a good day. It's three days since my last chemo injection and I'm now feeling a bitt better, the side effects from this injection is weraring of and I got some of my appetite back.
So, I'll try to enjoy this weekend and embrace the fact that I feel okey. It's still difficult mentaly to be in the situation that I am. Well, one step at the time! I'll fight this!
I have planed for weeks and weeks to go and see the last of the eight Harry Potter films- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (part 2). Yesterday it was finaly time! I find it very difficult to go to the movies as it's hard to sit for very long and there's not very much room between the rows in a cinema. But here in Ängelholm they have a row with aboout 3-4 meters infront, where I can sit perfectly with my KT-leg. Thouh, it was difficult anywhy this time because it was a 2h film and I usually don't sit for that long.....
The film was great! A bit to dark at times and a bit to much fighting for my tast, but great!
Before we went to the movies mum helped me with some domestic things that I can't do yself. I sooo wish I could. It's not that fun to have your mum doing things for you when you're an adult. But stil, I'm greatful!
Mum went home a few hours ago and Louis and I, we are now of on a little walk befor ethe sky opens up again and rain starts poooouring down!!! Where the h'll is the sun?! They say it will be sunny tomorrow, but I have to do my laundry then.
Now I'm low on batery in my computer so nee dto log of!
I would be greateful for your toughts about the blog because if noone reads I might as weel think about changing forum. A new blog might be the best idéa anyway!!
Love you all!
A little bit of this and a little bit of that
If you are reding my blog you have now realised that I have put a password on it. The reasons are personal. It's a pitty because the blog has some how lost it's purpose by putting a password on it.
The purpose with my blog is to enable my friends and family around the world to hear from me. Another purporse is to get KT:ers to find me and the Swedish KT Network. But the main purpose is to show everyone that it is possible to live a fullfiling, happy life even if I have KT- show people that I have pretty much the same problems as everybody else.
I really, really hope that you will continue to follow my blog and that the password and user name hasn't made it to impossibel!!!
Today it's Tuesday and as any other Tuesday I've been to see my nurse Ewa this morning. I don't know what on earth I would have done without Ewa!!! She supports me, helps me to sort out medications, how to eat so that I don't loose weight and so on. She really means alot to me!
At times when I have been to ill to come to hospital, or just in alot of bain and disscomfort due to KT, she comes to my appartment.
Today we discussed how I can get better blood counts by eating speciall kinds of food. I'm anemic and to get more iron it's good to eat darj green vegetables such as peas and broccolli and for iron to stay in your body you need to eat food with c-vitamines in it and for c-vitamine to stay in your body you need fat. So, a perfect tip is to eat bolied carrots and broccoli with a chunk of butter. That gives you both c-vitamine from the carrot, iron from the broccolli and also fat from the butter!!
It's very important to try to eat right when your body tells you to. I can just say that I'm not the rigth person to tell people what to do when it comes to food. I do often miss meals, when I feel bad I don't feel hungry at all. And at times I just forget to eat as I'm never hungry. But I'm really trying!!!
On my way home from hospital I took a little walk down town, did some retail therapy. Didn't by anything expencive at all. Wen't to "Hemtex" sale and bought a pink pillow case. I just needed the little look in the shopps to try get my mind on other things.
Right now Louis and I are taking it easy. We are launging in the soffa, watshing some TV, surfing the net and we have just had lunch. Today we don't have that many plans and that is nice. Yesterday was a rough day and that gave me a hell of a migraine. So today, no direct plans- just cuddle with Louis and prepare for the rest of the week!!!
I'll also try to get the news letter for the Swedish KTS Network sorted today so that I can send it to Ingela for review.
One thing at the time!!!
Once again, I really hope that you'll continue follow my blog!
Tierd
I'm feeling very blue. Lonely and tierd. Soon taking a short little walk with Louis. It's very sunny, you can hera the birds sing and I'm sure it will feel better as soon as Louis and I go out and have some fresh air.
Mum has helped me to get my flat spick and span. We have moved out the old computer table from the hallway and it's now airy and roomy! Looks much better tha it used to do. Alos happy 'cos it will be easier for one of my deraest friends, who is in a wheelchair, to come in!!!
Louis finds it fantastic 'cos his way to the door is much shorter and this makes it easier for him to attack the mail when it comes. My beloved mad little Louis.
Well, I'd better go out now and get some air! Hopefully it'll all feel better in a while.
Lucky
This is my first blog entry from my new little love, my Asus notebook!!!
The sale was way better than we colud have imagined!!! And thanks to the fact that part of the computer is my birthday present from Mum and that I'm in kind of a financial dept to her for half a life time, we managed to get a hold of this beauty!!
I have never, ever been a person who is into technical things and certainly not computer.... Thouh, I really got hooked with this little 13" gadget!!!! I really think I needed a boost, 'cos of the last few months roughness. Yes, I know that things can't make you happy but it sure can make life a hell of a lot easier. And, to be honest, the feeling of beeing able to do things yourself- that's worth everything!
I feel more independent and I feel that even if my body is a hell of a mess I have my head correctly srewed on! Hihi! Even if I didn't know how to do all the installation things, how to get firewall and antivirus to work I managed to think it through and sort it out! You see, there's no CD-drive in these small computers so I couldn't really throw in the CD and install.
Louis stayed the night with Mum and in just a while Mum and Louis will come with the train. I need to go down to the supermarket and buy some lunch before they come so that I have something to eat at lunch. Mum will help me with the cleaning of my appartment today, as well as my laundry. My body has gotten so bad through the past few months that at times I'm not able to do these things myself. I'm so greatful to Mum who comes, on her first day of her summer holiday, to help me!
I'm feeling a bitt better today and the fact isn't the computer itself but that I feel that I manage to do things myself!!! Even if I didn't know how to sort these things out on forehand I managed to sort it out one step at the time!!! Maby I'm able to help dad now ;-) Hihi!!!!
Miss my Louis soooo much!!! Need to go now, just wanted to keep you all updated on my little computer drama!!!
Computer Adventure
There does always seem to be something going down the drain in my world! Now, my dear computer decided to go die on me (at mums using hers now) and needs a total reconstruction. It's with a friend who is trying to blow life back into it. In the meen time Mum and I have decided that I would really need a notebook instead of the stationary computer that I have now. The computer was a gift from my parents (dad and Monika) when I began my University studies four years ago. At that time my body was alot better and I had hugely other plans!!! And, I had other possebileties to use my body... As for now, I'm happy if I can write a whole bloo-text without having to rest.
So, as it is summer sale in all computer stores in Sweden, we are of to have a look at a notebook/laptop today. I'm very, very ungenerous towards myself when it comes to expensive purchases especially as I've just been in England. That costed me a smal fortune. Thouh, it's my birthday in two weeks and Mum has promiossed to help me with a lone towards the computer.... Thouh, I'm still uneased by the idéa of buying something as expencive as a computer. But I try to think about the pros and cons.
Pros such as; I can bring it to the hour long treatments at hospital, I can throw out the huge computer instalation that I have in my hallway, I can use the computer more often as I can sitt better in my soffa and bed and hopefully it will be ergonomicaly better to use for my hands and arms. It will have a more modern set of programs and I will be able to use it more efficiently
Cons such as;...the cost....the cost and, oh the coooost!! Thouh, Mum and I have set a maximum price and as long as I stay underneath that I will be able to pay her of during this life time ;-) Hihihhih!!!
If my friend happens to sort the now dead computer out it will proberbly be at Mums for a while.
I have been thinking about a laptop/notebook for a very long time now and since my occupational therapist told me to try to get on and now since my beloved stationary one got into a coma....well, the idéa has become more reall. So, we are soon of to have a look at the OnOff sale to see if we can fins anything that is not to expencive. I'm actually looking forward to it! Hoping to find on and hoping to get my hallway back!!!
My appatment will feel much bigger, it will be easier to get acces and when I manage to save up money again I will try to buy a little chest of drawers for Louis'es things and other bits and pieces that I have laying around.
Yesterday was quite a good day. It was very sunny and Mum and I went to the beach. We had alovely picknick and had a feel at the cold watter! Mum even had a swim- ughhh!!! I do now have a bit of a suntan and a much healtier look!! We read, talked and just enjoyed the summer weather.
When we came home I had a shower and feel asleep, totaly kanckered!! When I woke up we watched a movie that I have seen a few times before, but love!! "The Escape to Hunag Shi" which is based on a true story a bout a brittish journalist back in the 1930:es. He's in China trying to reveal the truth about the Janapesse massacers and ends up as a teacher at an orphanage. Not to reveal any details, but the movie is very emotional and I do really recomend it!
I have decided, once again, no to waste any time on people that doesn't tend to care about me. I'm fed up with one way relaitionships and tierd of being hurt. Sometimes it's hard to see what people are up to, it's difficult to understand that the folt might not always be mine.... Thanks to dear family members, whom open my eyes and helps me to understand why I feel the way I do and why I might feel so hurt by some individuals. No, I'm not oversencitive and no I'm not to vigilant. I might be "to" honest at times and I might be of the oppinion that everything is possible to talk about and that you NEED to sort things out. That is NOT the generall oppinion in the world today and I often end up as the bad guy. Truth is very hurtful to some people.
Thouh, I'm lucky to have a handfull ov very close friends and faily that I love and trust. I know that they are there no matter what and no matter where about we are in the world!! You know how you are! Mybeloved blessings in Germany, UK, the States...and Sweden.
I really miss Dad, Monika and Maxi. Louis misses you too!!! We are allready trying to figure out what kind of birthday cake to make for mine and Maxi'es comined birthday. I have found a recepie for "pupcakes" which is cupcakes for dogs!! Might try that recepie- think the dogs would love it!
We are of on our computer quest now! Wish me good luck!! Hope I'll keep my nerves and sanity!
Angry With Humanity!
What is wrong with people?!!? What is wrong with communicating?!? What is so wrong with being honest and air the truth?!? Why does people detest the truth?!!?
I'm so darn fed up with always having to be so careful what to say so that I don't hurt people! How the hell can the truth ever be wrong?!? Yes, truth can sure be painful, and hurt but it's a hell less painful than lies, remembering lies and to try to seperate the truth from the lie; the fabricated truth!
Why are people so darn afraid of the truth?!!?
I'm happy to have Louis! Dogs never, ever lie! If they are angry with you they sure show it, if they are happy they are always showing it. All their emotions are out there in the open. But human beings, they are stupid hypocratic liers! They protect themself, what ever the cost is. They gladly throw you under the bus as long as they save their own neck!
Really what s the point with trying to relate to people when you know that 98% of people out there aren't genuin?!? I do always turn out to be the bad guy because I don't see the point in lying. I don't see the point in not being honest and I sure don't see the point in trying to get people to like me for someone that I'm not!
Yes, I can seem blunt at times- that's my problem. But I'd feel better to come across as blunt than a lier and a self absorbing human being.
I'm trying my hardest not to spend time with people that I really cna't stand. At times you have no choise 'cos there might be someone you really like and love and you have to be civiliced as a favour to this person. Yes, that I can try to put up with. But I'm not puting up with being badly treated!!!
Life is short. My life IS short and I'm sure not going to spend presious moments on people that treats me bad. I just wish that folks could stick to one truth and not re-make it whenever they turn around and speak to someone else. I hate when people say one thing to one person and then turns around and says something else out of fear of hurting someones feelings. What about the person you first spoke to who thinks that THEY were told the truth and who later speaks to the second person who were presented with a whole differebt thruth?!?! It's the first person that were lied to 'cos the second person doesn't know what the first were told.
I have been through senarios like that a million times and I'm so fed up with being the one who is supposed to understand that they "had" to change the story or the conditions or what ever seemd convinient at the time!!! Never mind me, I'm just your everyday trashcan!!!
One thing, think about how you are acting before you walk all over someone and really, trully hurt their feelings!!!
Who is there to trust?! Who is there to love?! Who is REALLY there for you when you need them?!? Who is really your friend?!?!
Thank god for my little blessing! Louis- the joy and love of my life!!
Thank god for the ones who are really there, I'm sure you know who you are!!
Of On an Adventure
We are soon of to Helsingborg, Louis and I. First we are meeting mum at her place and then we are taking the bus to down town Helsingborg. We are going to have a dinner at an outdoor restaurant where Louis can come!!! Then we might go to "Grytan" to listen to some of the musicans and comedians at "Kul i Juli".
I really need this evenings little outing! Life is a challenge at the moment and so much more is happening than one person can tolerate!
Tonight I'm taking my chemo injection...and I really hate it! I don't feel as sick as I did in the begining, but I sure feel sick, fattigue and my stomach lives its own life....
Louis are going to have a sleep over at Mums as I'm having two ladies over from the hospital tomorrow morning. Louis really, utterlly hates one of the women so he'll be at Mums and I'll pick him up tomorrow at lunch.
I just spoke to Louis vet Anna. Anna is fantastic and works at "Din Veterinär" i Helsingborg. Louis has had quite alot of medical problems through his life- just as his ovner ;-) Hihi!!
Well, at the moment he's limping due to a swollen toe. Louis has a skin condition called furuncullosis which causes the hair follicles between his toes to get inflamed. When this happens it looks like pimples between his toes and it's painful for him.
So, I had to call Anna to ask if I can give Louis antibiotics even if he has pancreas problems. Anna did some research, read his charts from the other vet's clinic and then called me back. No, problem- I can give Louis antibiotics! Great! Now, please, cross your fingers that the swelling will go down as sooon as possible and Louis will be able to walk as normal again!!!
I'd better get dressed! Louis is allready ready and sits by the door!!! Off we go!!!
Not My Day, Really....
The blooming drying cupboard decided to die on me today!!! When I had loaded it with laundry, closed the doors and turned on the heat there was a sound that more suits a Boeing than a drying cupboard and a horrid smell.... Then the sound stopped and I was all happy! Just to discover, 1 hour later, that it didn't make my laundry dry!!! Angry!!!!
So, I had to call the janitor and tell him to get his but over here and fix it. Hell, nooo- he's on holiday so his father who is also our janitor, will come some day during the week and take a look at this darn drying cupboard. Doesn't help me a bit!!! My little appartment is filed with damp washing.....and I'll have to fold and oput it all away as soon as it's dry. Feels like I'm draging the missery of washing out....
Today i not my day!!!
Headache. It's way to hot outside, and inside as well for that matter. I didn't have the strenght noor the energy to go down to the Supermarket after all the laundry bussines, so we don't have that much eateable exept for sweets and dog food at home. I'm soooo angry with that too.
I've tried to set up an e-mail fo the Swedish KTS Network but I've failed to get two of them to work and now I give up!!! I'm so fed up with it!!!! I'd better turn this stupid computer of before it drives me mad!!!
I sooo wish that I had the founds to buy a notebook. It would be such a waounderful thing to be able to sit in the soffa or by my kitchen table and do computer work instead of sitting in my dark hallway. I would love to kick my uggly as IKEA computer table out and have an airy, bright hallway...
Marie, wake up! Stopp dreaming ;-)
Haha, not that this has anything to do with the fact that I couldn't get the e-mail accounts working! Haha!!! I wish ;-)
Now, a little evening snack for Louis and me. tomorrow it's early bird. I have two hospital appointments tomorrow and in the evening I need to take my chemo injection.
If the weather is nice Louis and I will go with Mum to down town Helsingborg to an advent called "Kul i Juli" which in English means "Fun in July". It's musik, outside on a big lawn. Louis loves to go on adventures like this!!! Today he came with me to buy stamps. He was so happy to go with me into the little shop and when we came in he nicked a pice of cocholate (wraped and all)! So, I had to pay for it.... LOUIS!!!! Thouh, Louis was as happy as ever and thought it was a reall catch!!!
Good, pain is horrrid! I'll write more later this week!!
Greatful
Somehow you know who are really, truly there for you when you feel really bad. Feeling loved, and speciall, makes it worth fighting to get through... (If you have watter all the way up to your neck, don't let your head hang!!)
To know that I'm not going through all of this on my own, that's a fantastic blessing. Even if my family and friends are spread cross the globe, we speak every week and keep in contact to make distances less painful. Makes time more barable til we meet again!
To be honest, I haven't been this blue in a long time. I'm always positive, outspoken and happy. Louis and I do always have something going on!
I thought I was on top of things- that I had everything sorted out and that I would manage through this period of total chaos withouth any bruises.
I thought that I was mentaly prepared, that life couldn't hurt me anymore than it allready has. I guess that my low now is just a sum of all things that has been going on lately; everything from the new diagnosis, to KT getting worse, Louis being ill and a fucked up family on my mothers side. I don't really know what was the straw that broke the camels back. It's just way to much!!
I wish I had the possebility to go back to Lucys in England for a while. Lucy is a friend of mine who owns a very smal B&B. I have stayed with her and her housband Ray alot through the years. Ray has passed away and this trip to England and my stay with Lucy was the first stay since Ray passed.
I miss mtý friends in England sooo much!! Lucy, Ruth, Mary.... Lotti, Vanessa... Lord I miss you all soooo much!!
Right now Louis is alseep on top of two pairs of my shoes. Don't ask me why, but that little dog makes my day- every single day!! You should see my newly hooverd livingroom, looks lika a bomb went of in a biscuitt facrtory...
Louis has been as happy as ever today! We are going to Mums tomorrow and my backpack is sorted and ready to get going. Louis knows that whenever my backpack is packed we are going either to Mums place oc to Dads and Monikas. If I move about in the appartment he runs to the packpack, sitts by it and wags his little tail!! Just as if he's saying "yes, yes!! Are we going now?!?! I'm ready!!!"
The love of my life!!
We have been taking it quite easy this afternoon. The sum of this weeks apointment and phone appointments was 9- NINE!!! That IS somekind of record for me!!
Went to the pharmacy there went all of my savings for this month... 697 kr which is about 80 US dollars, 70 Euro or £70. Just my luck!!!
My medicines are all payed but not in a way where they are payed for when I need them. I have a dicability alovance that I get every month. It's supposed to cover all ex´tra expences that I have due to my diagnoses and illnesses. It doesn't cover it by far so I still get to be grumpy 'cos of the medicine expences ;-) Hihi!!!
Well, we have been watching the last DVD of season 1 of "True Blood". I have been in to vampiers lately. i cought the Twilight bug and read all those books in one go than keept finding other books. I know that most vampeier books are for young adults and that vampeier stories, well, are just made up stories. But, I really need this made up, easy to read, world once in a while. It's lovely to read books that are as far away from reality as these are!
And the "true Blood" series, well got hocked because I found the first Box on sale ;-) Now I'm waiting for the second box to come on sale. It's not a Oscar winning TV-series, but who cares?! It's nice just to disapair away into another world once in a while.
Enough about this now!
Tomorrows plan is to go to the "Kulla Fair" which is a quit big fair just a few miles away. I'm going with mum and I think this is a great plan to take my mind of things. Hopefully I'll trick her into going to Höganäs afterwards. In Höganäs are one of Swedens largest outlets with everything between high quality pottery, china and glass to sports wear and clothes! That's therapy!! Retailtherapy =) Much needed but I'm not really in a position to spend- but, it's good for the soul to be somewhere else than at home and in hospital. It's good to get new impressions, see all those wounderful colors and things that you never even knew existed. I always find things I didn't know I needed when I'm at fairs!! Lets see what it will be this year!!
If I'm lucky there might be a jummy cocholate cake somewhere along the line?! A luke warm, fudge cocholate cake and a cup of tea!!!!
"Welcome to the dark side, we have cookies!!"
