Lifslevande / Alive

Sometimes it's just to much..... It's almost like you are trying and trying and trying to get everything to work, to stay positive and happy. You live in ultra rapid, smile and try to get everything done withouth feeling anything. I go back and forth to hospital, get bad news, shake it off me nd keep on going. But all of a sudden your brain slows down and you realise that all this is about me... I am going through this and you can't just hidde from the truth anymore.

I'm so darn feed up with all those hospital appointments, with being in pain, the need to everyday take alot of medications to be able to get through the dasy. I hate the fact that chemo and my medications makes me so tierd and that I barely can stay awake for 8 hours in a row. I hate the fact that even if I take all those medications, I'm still in pain- I'm still ill and I do still have KT and arthritis. Give mer a breake!!!

I try to stay positive at all times. I try to genuinly live life to its fullest and to do something that I like every day. Thouh, sometimes it's not possible. This week I have 7 or 8 appointments. I need to buy food just as everyone else, I need to do my laundry, cook, take a shower and...all these other things. I KNOW that most people work and that I can consider my appointments my job- but I don't work 'cos my body is to tierd, in to much pain and is working to badly for me to be able to work. It takes me forever to take a shower, get dressed and sorted out. Just as it takes my forever to hoover and do mylaundry. After activities such as the once I mentioned, I'm so tierd and in pain tthat I need a rest. How the hell shall I be able to do something fun and exiting inbetween everything that I have to do!

And YES, I know that everybody does things that they do not enjoy; such as work, houshold shores and all of that...but I pray that none of you have KT!!! That you don't have to cary the worry of what the syndrome will do to you and your body. I really hope that you don't have to get the bad news that I get- every single week! I'd much rather work and be well. I'd much rather be "normal".
I know that I'm negative, I know. It's just that I'm so darn fed up with everything!!

As if this isn't enough I feel so badly treated by a family member. This person barely ever speaks to me. I keep asking the person how he/she is doing, giving compliments and I really try to be as kind and civiliced as possible. When I treated him/her the way he/she is treating me; being quiet, no compliments and prais- he/she tells my mother that I don't like him/her!!! Doens't he/she understand that he/she is treating me exactly the same?!?
So, am I supposed to give this person complimets, praise and asking questions without the perosn doing anything what so ever to try to engage a relationship with me?!?!
I have invited this person to a Copenhagen trip, asked this person to come over to my appartment and so one. I have stopped comming with invitations such as these. Is it supposed to be a one way road?! It IS important that this person and I try to get a working relationship. There are two people involved that I love very much and don't want to lose for anything in the world!! There's nothing I wopuldn't do for the two of them. How shall I do to get this relationship going?! What can I do without feeling that I put myself out there to much?!

All of this eats me up from the inside. Just as the worrie I have for Louis as he has had some problems with his pancreas. I worry alot about Louis and his health and try to do everything in my power to give him a lovely doggy life! Louis is as happy as ever!
I barely sleept last night 'cos Louis wanted to play, have his bone, go out, have food at 5 am... It's a really good thing that I love this little monster as much as I do =)!!!

My Dad just went to Asia for 5 weeks... It feels sad 'cos it's my birthday in just 3 weeks and he wont be here then and neither will Monika. They often travel but I miss them especially when it's summer because we have such a lovely time in their garden, walking the dogs, having BBQ:s and just enjoying.

I do also miss my friends.... Miss Lu and Li. I really hope they are comming down to the South of Sweden with their parents this summer!!! I have sooo much to show them! The train museum, the park with all the native Swedish animals, Copenhagen, take a swim in the ocean, go with the mini train through town....

I really ought to hoover my livingroom, but my back hurts- alot. I'd much rather cook dinner!!

Oh, I realised one thing! Most of my readers are nativ English speakers and don't understand how to do to make comments on my blog!
In the bottom of a text is the word "kommentera" in purple, this means "comment" in English! Please press this tiny little word and put your paw print in my blog!!!