Lifslevande / Alive

Went up earier than normal yesterday as I had an appointment in Helsingborg (25 min away by train). My alarm clock rang at 5.20 and...lord, that's way to early even if I went to bed earlier than normal.

I tried to sneck up, not to wake Louis up. My plan was to take a shower before Louis got up. Well, Louis woke up and sat by the door and barked at the paper-boy.... Hmmm, not the best pursuit that early in the morning. Thouh, Louis loves the sound of the TV or CD-player so I put on the TV. My little dog went to sleep again, in the soffa listening to "Turtles"..., in danish....

To be honest, it was very nice to get up that early. It was nice to take the train that everyone else takes to get to work or to their studies. It felt "normal" to be on the go in the morning, to have somewhere to go. It gave me a feeling that I would really like to try to find a place wher I could try to "work", like a working experience, for a few hours per week. I know I can't work for 40 hours per week, I know that my body couldn't manage to work or study every day. There are so many things to concider.... Such as:
- It can only be a few hours per week as KT and arthritis is quite painfull...
- My medications makes me very tierd
- I can't stand for to long, I can't sit for to long and I get alot of pain by monotonicall movments
- My arms, hands and fingers are very bad, just as my neck, back and legs. Sometimes my feet makes it hard to walk...
- My immune system is weakened, so I can't be among to much people
- I get problems with MY KT very offten, so at times I'm away from work/studies in weeks on a row...
.......... and so on and so forth....

But on the other hand
- I am very good at organising things
- I love to help people out
- I'm quit taented when it comes to politics, religion and other social sience subjects
- I have a diploma in mentoring children and young adults with disabileties
- I have alot of experience from The Swedish Committée for Afghanistan and The United Nations.
- I'm fluent in Englis, Swedish and German and do speak and understand Norwegian and Dansih almost perfect!
- I'm very dertermin, positive and purposive

I would love to guide people around in the Swedish National Health Systeme, help them to get their physicans to work together. I know how life is when you have 5-15 doctors and just as many nurses, physios, occupational therapists...and, well you name it- who doesn't have the clue what the other one is doing. I woul love to help patients with multiple illnesses or/and disabileties to understand and get the health system to work for them- and not confuse them.

Or I would love to be at the Childrens and Young Adults Rehabilitation Centre in Helsingborg trying to get use of my diploma in mentoring children and young adults with disabileties!!!

Or...why not try to get my drivers license?!?!?! That would help me out alot and make all the above things so much easier! It would give me so much more independence!! I could do most of my grocery shopping myself. I could go to my parents without them needing to drive me. I could go to IKEA all the time =)!!
Thouh, it's sooo expencive to get a drivers license in Sweden! I might be able to get some founding as I'm disabled, but I still need to pay alot. It's kind of a catch 22. If I get a drivers license it would be easier for me to study and/or work. On the other hand it's hard to afford a drivers license without a job...

What I would also like to do is to go back to the University. I used to study at the University of Lund (which is one of the two top universeties in Sweden). My major was political sience but I did also take a course in the psychology behind religion.... I'm not sure if any of these subject would be the right thing for me now. What I would like to do is to find a subject to study that would lead me to an occupation that I could really do. What that would be, I don't know! I don't want to sit there with a huge students loan just because I did study things that I did enjoy but didn't lead me to a job.... And, especially as I wont ever be able to work 100% and that makes it eaven more impossible for me to ever be able to pay that loan back....
So, I need to figure out what I want to do- and what I can do!! 

Thouh, the main problem is still my health!!! Will I be able to try to study or work now?!!? If I try to work or study it would be with the help of Försäkringskassan who's in charge of my  monthly disabilety allowance.
Thouh, I would need to take in consideration that I have between 4-8 hospital appointments every week, four of them things I really need to go to every single week.
The thing is that when I'm not working or studying I'm not among alot of people so I don't get all those infections that I get in a heartbeat as soon as I'm among people. I don't think about if it's possible to lay down or not, I just go and lay down on my bed....aso.
I need to concider the fact that I' in allot of pain every single day and the  medications that I take to stay alive makes me very tierd. There are sooo many things to take into consideration. So, I might give myself, my doctors and other health profesionalls this autumn to find a path through this joungle called my health, life and....dreams.

Well, this is a work in itself to try to figure out the future of Marie W!!! As it is right now I'm to ill to be able to work/study but I want to work towards the goal of actually finding a way.

So now, I need to rest my sore hands, arms and fingers. It's medication time and I need to elevate my legs. These are things I don't think about to much as I have my own shedule and just "do" when I need to. Out in the "real world" it might not work as smooth as in my own little world......
Thouh, I need to get out and meet people! I'm going crazy!!!

XOXO